Your Brain Is Lying | Drenda Thomas Richards | The Sean Trace Show

In this episode of The Sean Trace Show, I sit down with speaker and belief disruptor Drenda Thomas Richards to uncover the hidden beliefs and stories that keep us stuck. We explore how subconscious beliefs can influence our confidence, fuel self-sabotage, and make us afraid to pursue change even when we already have the skills to move forward.

Drenda explains why fear of judgment often begins in childhood, how our careers can become tied to our identities, and why uncertainty surrounding AI and the future can trigger a fear of becoming obsolete. We also discuss people-pleasing, burnout, healthy self-care, and the guilt many of us experience when setting boundaries.

One of the biggest lessons from our conversation is that failure does not define who we are. Failure is feedback, and every unexpected result gives us an opportunity to adjust, build resilience, and choose a different direction. Sometimes rebuilding your life begins with taking a breath, questioning the story in your head, and realizing that you are allowed to change your mind.

What belief or story are you ready to stop carrying?

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

It it's because we've been taught that I mean it it just goes back to the other that w it feels selfish and you know, we we need to get along with people and all of that stuff and the be a peace this is something that's always frustrating me as people talk about being a peacemaker and versus being a peacekeeper. And they say, Well, I'm just keeping the you know, keeping the peace or making the peace. And it's like if you're just keeping everybody quiet at a family get together and keeping the parties apart that don't get along, that's just keeping the peace. Sometimes you actually have to go in, dive in and deal with the issue and get the parties together and make them talk so that you can make peace, you can be a peacemaker. And sometimes people leave and that's okay. That is making peace. That's not keeping the peace. Because when you keep the peace, people are still feeling awkward, still people are still um avoiding topics that need to be talked about. People are avoiding people that they really need to deal with. And so there's a difference between peacekeeping and peacemaking, and um sometimes it's just out of guilt. We just feel weird and it just feels awkward when we feel like the bad guy when really we are protecting we are setting boundaries that protect us and our families. And if people don't like it, that's their problem. And it's just hard to it's hard to accept that and not feel guilty about that sometimes. But there, you know, people get triggered, and that's their problem, that's not mine, and that's something that I've had to learn is that there's something it's within them. I'm mirroring something with them, and it's just either something that they lack or something that they wish they could do, and it's pissing them off, and they're reacting. And so I used to take it personally. Now I'm now I'm realizing that it's their problem, not mine.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

Welcome everybody back to the Sean Trace Show. I'm your host, Sean Trace, and I have an awesome guest with me today. Would you like to tell people who you are and what you do?

SPEAKER_01 2:13

Hi, I'm Drinda Thomas Richards, and I'm a speaker and a belief disruptor, and I talk a lot about BS beliefs and stories that people have that keep them stuck.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

That's awesome. I love that, and I love that you're a belief disruptor. Talk to me about what is a belief disruptor because it sounds awesome, and I think I have an idea, but I'd love to hear you tell me.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

Yeah, so a lot of people have beliefs and they don't realize it's beliefs, it's keeping them stuck. They keep sabotaging their best efforts, they don't really understand why they keep either doing the same thing over or they'll try something else, and it works for a little bit, but it doesn't get them where they want to go. And so what's really happening is that there's some beliefs that are running in our subconscious mind that are holding us back or keeping us stuck or helping us sabotage. And we've got to recognize those and then work to release those.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

That's awesome. And it's important to recognize them. I was thinking about that the other day, that so often we don't know what are the things that we have to let go of, you know? And you have to process that because what was that that saying, throwing out the baby with the bathwater? Like if you haven't differentiated what's good and what's not helping you at that time, um, you don't really know what to kind of clean out of your space. But I wanted to ask you this because you talk a lot about BS, which awesome means beliefs and stories. Um, what are some of the biggest false stories people unknowingly tell themselves throughout life?

SPEAKER_01 3:50

There's a lot in yeah, most of our beliefs and stories, the BS are real BS, like you were saying. But yeah, a lot of times we say, I'm too old, or I'm not old enough, or it's not right, it's not the right time. And so it sounds logical and safe that, oh, it's probably not the right time because I have this or that, or I need to get more education or more certifications and stuff. And it's not really that. It's do you believe in yourself? Are you gonna bet on yourself? So there, you know, even going into the gym, you know, what are people gonna think? There's so many things that getting healthy costs too much. I mean, there's so many things that are just that we think are natural or logical or rational, and it's really just BS.

SPEAKER_00 4:34

Right, right. I was thinking about that. My daughter the other day, she's 10, and she was like, we were going somewhere, and she was like, Everyone's gonna be looking at me. And I was like, No one's gonna look at you. Everyone's gonna be looking at me and judging me. And I said, No one's gonna be looking at you and judging you. And we got somewhere, and then no one was looking at her and judging her. And she's like, ah, and I said, most people are thinking about themselves, and you know, you are an absolute afterthought to them. And not to say that, you know, sometimes they're not looking at us and judging us, but most of the time, that's not how it works. Most of the time, people are caught in their own stuff, and you just have to find your own way, you know, and not deal with their BS.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I had a similar situation when I was in the gym, when I first started going back to the gym, and I was working out, and there's and I'd seen a couple in there, they were young, like 19 years old, and he was working out, and she was just watching him or on her phone. But I kept seeing her stare at me. And then I was on a certain piece of equipment that's very awkward to get into, and it's it's it's just awkward to start with. And I knew that I looked awkward because I was trying to figure it out. I was all new. And the more I kept seeing her out of the corner of my eye, and and I got to the point where I was just ready to cry and leave the gym. But I I was like, okay, Trenda, put too many where your mouth is. What are you telling yourself? You don't even know what she's thinking. She may not even be looking at you. She's probably staring out the window and not really seeing me. But okay, what if she is looking at you? Maybe she's thinking, you know, I wish my mom would work out. I wish my, you know, when I get to that age, I hope I'm working out too. And good for that woman. She's trying to get healthier or whatever. And so by changing the story I was telling myself, um, all of a sudden I felt better and I was able to finish out my workout and leave with my held held high. But there was still the voice seeing, because you don't know that she was saying that. She probably was making fun of you. And it was like, I don't care. I don't know what she was saying. So I might as well tell myself a story that's gonna serve me and help me and make me feel better.

SPEAKER_00 6:49

Right. That's one of the things that I was thinking. Even if someone's judging you, even if they're saying things about you, it doesn't really affect you. You know, you can still get out there. I had to, when I started podcasting, I had to overcome worries about what people thought about me. You know, my first couple of months in podcasting, I was sitting there going, wow, do people is it cringe? Am I saying the wrong thing? Uh, you know, are people at the end of the day gonna think differently of me? And the reality is, is none of that happened. You know, it was all up here. And the only reactions that I actually had from people were most people were like, hey, dude, that's awesome. You got a podcast? And I was like, I've got four. And they're like, wow, that's pretty what's wrong with you? I'm like, no, nothing. Well, there's a lot wrong with me, but nothing there, you know. But I I, you know, it was just it was all up here. And I wanted to ask you this because this stuff starts early. And if um, if a 10-year-old, but like so many kids don't have some of those same inhibitions. And if a 10-year-old kid asked you, why do grown-ups get stuck even when they're smart, how would you explain it?

SPEAKER_01 8:00

Well, I haven't been around a lot of 10-year-olds, but but yeah, it's it would be like, you know, have you ever had someone say something to you that made you feel less than have when you're in school, did you raise your hand and and got the answer wrong and kids laughed at you? And then the next time you were hesitant to raise your hand because the kids were gonna laugh at you. Well, just think about that happening over and over and over for years, and it just builds. And so things that do happen in our childhood can affect our decisions today and can hold us back. They keep us from speaking up in meetings, they keep us because we're still afraid of that kid that's gonna, you know, if we raise our hand and we get it wrong, that the people in the meeting are gonna laugh at us. And it just starts back then and just builds, you know, going into a cafeteria to sit down at lunch, you know, school lunch, and you know, feeling like you don't belong and wondering what the tape is the table gonna accept you or not, are they gonna laugh at you? And you don't want to sit by yourself. And that kind of feeds into being a grown-up and how many grown-ups don't want to eat alone in a restaurant, you know. I don't want to be seen as being a solo because I feel like a loser, or I people think I'm a loser because I'm eating dinner alone. And that can also come from, you know, elementary school.

SPEAKER_00 9:23

Right? I remember the most traumatic years of my life were in elementary school where I was faced with so much, so much drama. And it's interesting that that same inhibition lasted with me so much of my life, you know, and one of the things that for my daughter, we tried to help her not have some of those same challenges. Um, and one of the things that we did was we got her into martial arts class because, you know, she was able to kind of overcome and face the challenges that she had and the fears that she had through getting out and facing them, you know? But I it's interesting because I see people that are adults and they get to a point where stuff gets difficult. And you know, you work with people through major transitions and identity shifts. Why is change so emotionally difficult for people?

SPEAKER_01 10:25

I think there's a couple of things, but I think the biggest thing is that we tie who we are to that title or to that thing, and our identity is all wrapped up in that. And it doesn't have to be, you know, we it's just we get what we do doesn't have to be who we are, you know, and we get we get that mixed up.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

I love that. I love that that what you do doesn't have to equal who you are, and that's some of the things that I I always like, I ask, who are you and what do you do? And like I gotta remind myself that those aren't the same thing, you know. You can be a businessman and that doesn't mean that's who you are, you know? Or that you do business and you're not this identity, it's not tied up together. Um but it's interesting too because um right now we see a lot of change happening around us, a lot of disruption with AI and with other things that are shifting everything. Why do you think people get stuck feeling so much fear and anxiety around all of this change?

SPEAKER_01 11:31

So I think, well, everybody's afraid of the unknown and we're worried about the future instead of staying in the present, because we can't control anything that could happen or might happen. We can only control what's happening right now, right around our feet. We can't control anybody or anything else. And so when we start thinking about the future, you know, we're not being present and we're worrying about things we can't control. And then you have the whole fear with AI and jobs being replaced. Um, is what I worked for for so long still useful? Am I gonna be laid off and I've got a certain quality of life? Or I just got into the workforce, I just spent four or five years in college, you know, getting an education, and now I'm going into a place that I may be replaced in six months to a year. And so there's a lot of fear around am I even relevant anymore? And that's what a lot of it comes down to, especially with AI, is am I so relevant? Am I gonna be obsolete in six months? It's phobo, fear of fear of being uh obsolete. Instead of FOMO, FOBO.

SPEAKER_00 12:41

I love that actually. Uh I want to ask you this because, you know, when I look at AI, I I agree. I think that it's this unknown thing that people are worried about. But the reality is, is we're not worried about AI. We're worried about the unknown. We're worried about what might be. And our biggest fear, I think, is our ability to adapt. Can I adapt to this situation? So I think that a core fear is not just the change, but like our ability to change with it, our ability to get out ahead of it. You know what I mean? And I want to talk to you about this because you've said the problem usually isn't skills, it's beliefs. Can you explain what you mean by that in like simple terms?

SPEAKER_01 13:26

Yeah, so our skills are where we've built our competence and we build our compet confidence based on experience and skills and things like that. But it's still our beliefs that that can still hold us back. The belief that I may not be enough, I may not catch on fast enough, I may be replaced, I may not be relevant anymore. Um, it's it's the beliefs underneath everything that are running that are making our decisions.

SPEAKER_00 13:53

I love that. You know, because I think that those beliefs are things that we can change. And that's what excites me about this is that it if it was just outside of our control, it's hard, but there is a bunch of things. There are a bunch of things that are inside our control so that we can get ahead of this. You know, you have the ability to control your reactions, you could you have the ability to control how you interact with the next steps. And I wanted to ask you this for people that are scared, how do you think they can get to the other side of their fear and their worry?

SPEAKER_01 14:30

Well, first of all, just become aware that what you're doing, of what you're thinking and what you're saying. And thoughts can pop in our head, but we don't have to dwell on them. But if we're constantly um worried about something or fearful of something, just stop. I mean, there's a pattern interrupt, just clap your hands or snap your fingers or just say stop it. And that stops that cycle of whatever kind of thoughts are are going on. But also, when you do have those thoughts, if you can just stop it and just get quiet and get curious, and instead of looking at it with judgment, get curious and like, well, huh, that's interesting. Where did that come from? And as you become aware, it just becoming aware is huge because once you're aware, then you can stop it. But then you can also take the next step and start looking at where did this come from? And sometimes it came from early childhood, sometimes it came from 10 years ago when you had a performance review or somebody said your emails are too direct or whatever. And so then you're always constantly looking at your emails and making sure that the tone or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 15:38

Do you think um you talk about failure as a secret weapon? Uh and you know, and I I failed so many times. I can't even count the number of times I failed, but yet every single time I failed, it taught me something. It allowed me to grow. Can you talk to me? Why do some people grow stronger through failures while others shut down?

SPEAKER_01 16:02

Well, the biggest thing with failure is most people point it back to themselves and think that they're the failure instead of, oh, this thing didn't work out like I thought it was. And so it's some you just have to change the perspective of failure. And and instead of it being identifying who you are, just saying, well, that was an unexpected outcome, what can we do about it? You know, was it, do I just need to tweak it a little bit and go this direction? Or was it just totally wrong and I really need to rethink the whole thing? But it's also, it also builds resilience. And I think that's what you know you you're kind of referring to, is that through we if we decide to look at failure as feedback instead of making something else out of it, it can help us grow. It helps us try again, it doesn't destroy us. We're still alive and we're still breathing, it's not as bad as it was. We thought it was going to be. We don't get we don't necessarily get fired. It's just feedback. And so then we can make the adjustments that need to be made, or we just throw the thing out and start all over again. But as we do that and as we continue trying, it just builds the resilience to where it doesn't scare you anymore. You're not afraid to try something because you know that if it doesn't work like work out like you want it to, you can just do something different. You can change your mind, you can change directions. It's not a big deal. It's just, hmm, didn't work out. Okay, let me try it this way then.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

I love it because it's like all you're doing is is rolling with it and adapting and going a different direction. You're not barreling on through. I uh I remember once I uh was starting to paint something, painting a room, and I got halfway through and I looked up at the room and I realized I had made a big mistake. The color I picked looked horrible. And I was just sitting there and I was like, I had two choices. One, keep going and finish the room in the absolutely atrocious colors that I had picked, or sit there and admit failure, go and buy some new paint and go at it again. I admitted failure, I went and bought some different paint, and I fixed the room. But it took me being willing to say, that didn't work, and that's okay. I went back and tried a different way, and it was really powerful to say, this is okay. It is okay to sit there and realize that I kind of oversold myself and thought that I was gonna be able to pull it off, and I didn't. And you know, I it was one of those things like my daughter likes to do these YouTube tutorials, you know, and she'll watch the video and then she'll uh go back at the tutorial, and it doesn't turn out looking the same way. And she comes to me, Dad, I failed as a like as a human being. It's like, no, uh, you tried something, and the the fact that you tried is a big deal. That's a good start. It is a great start to simply try things because if you don't try, you'll never know. And and that's to me like where the real magic happens. But I want to ask you this because many people were raised to put everyone else first and ignore themselves. How does that shape someone later in life?

SPEAKER_01 19:31

Yeah, uh that one is a tough one because especially people who were raised in a high control religion, um, they have a very hard time um taking care of themselves, learning to say no. Um, but you you become a people pleaser and you just, you know, somebody needs a ride to the airport, and even though it's midnight and you've got to get up for whatever, you say yes, and then you get mad the whole time, you know, and you're you're mad about it, but you're the one that said yes. But we but either religion or society or families say family first, family all this stuff. And so we've been taught, we've been conditioned, we've been programmed from a very early age that, you know, we need to be there for people, and anything else is seen as selfish. And it's not necessarily that the case, because there are times when we do need to protect ourselves, we need to protect our sanity, we need to protect our peace. And there are times that we just have to say no, and no is a complete sentence. It doesn't require explanation, justification, or any of that. It's just no. I mean, if you want to say it no, I'm sorry, but I can't, whatever. As you work through the people pleasing and stuff, but no is a complete sentence, and it and it is it is tough for people, and I still find myself, you know, am I being selfish or am I being um just taking good care of myself? Is it self-care or is it being selfish? But I I think it's also when you if you're being rude about it and hateful about it, that's one thing. But if it's if it's strictly I need time to myself because I need to rejuvenate, I, you know, introverts need more time alone to process things than extroverts. And so if if there is something where you need to protect your peace and your sanity, it's okay to say, I can't do that right now. And maybe it's right now, maybe you can do it for somebody later, you know, do whatever's needed later. But it it is tough for people to figure this out when they've been conditioned so much. And you do feel selfish sometimes, and it is weird and it is awkward, and it it just feels icky at times until you. You've done it enough times to where you feel okay saying, No, I can't do that. And it's just it's kind of like building resilience there as well, building that muscle of being able to stand up for yourself, to speak up for yourself, to say, no, that doesn't work for me.

SPEAKER_00 22:17

No one is going to be a better advocate for you than you, but you have to learn to stand up and speak and to say something because so many of us were taught to not. So many of us were taught to be quiet, don't rock the bus, don't make problems. And that just doesn't work well. It it might for a time keep things calm, it might for a time keep things from getting out of hand. But, you know, you gotta sit there and see how you can most validate yourself. And you're gonna validate yourself by putting yourself first at times. And I'm not talking about forgetting everyone, but you know, let's look at this way. When you're on an airplane and they do that little that little video, you gotta put your own mask on first. You gotta go to the gym first. If you're not caring for your own health, how can you have the health to care for someone else? If you're not caring about your own money, how do you have the money to assist someone else? You have to take care of yourself first before anyone else can be helped by you, or you can help yourself or help anyone else, you know? But I want to ask that like, what's the difference between then healthy self-care and selfishness? Because we're kind of touching on that here.

SPEAKER_01 23:40

And I'm still working on that because I was raised, I was so ingrained that everybody else came first. With my dad was a pastor, the church came first. Um, we couldn't go on vacations on a Sunday, or if we were gone on a Sunday, we had to be in church. So it was conditioned that um everybody else came first. My my opinions, my feelings didn't matter. The church mattered, or other people mattered first. You know, standing in line, I needed to, you know, I needed not to take up space. I was I was trained, don't take up space, don't get in everybody's way. And so I've had to work through all of that. And so there are times that I catch myself, you know, I'm trying to work out something at with somebody at the a help desk or whatever. And I know that there's a line behind me, and I start getting really anxious and antsy because I want my problem solved, but I don't want to inconvenience other people as well. And so I'm still learning where that is, but I think it does come down to um, I'm really not sure, to be quite honest. I'm still working through that and and and I've gotten to a point where I can say no, but I there is a piece of me that still feels guilty at times. But I think it's just trying and continuing and setting boundaries that people can't cross or shouldn't cross, and just keeping, just keeping at it and learning where those lines are.

SPEAKER_00 25:15

I love that because one of the things I notice people struggle with is is boundaries and the guilt around them. I recently had a person that I don't really like be extremely rude to my wife. And both professional and both of them are in a similar field, and this person should know better. And this line was massively crossed, and I had to set a boundary. It had been years in the coming, and finally I was like, enough is enough. And I said it very strongly. We'll say it that way. There were some profanities used, but if you knew what happened, you would go, I get it. I get it. Um, but I felt guilt afterwards, not about the profanities. I felt guilt afterwards and other things. I felt guilt about guilt about setting the boundary, not how I did it. But I want to ask you like, why do so many people struggle with guilt around boundaries?

SPEAKER_01 26:19

It it's because we've been taught that, I mean, it just goes back to the other that it feels selfish. And, you know, we we need to get along with people and all of that stuff. And the be a peace, this is something that's always frustrated me as people talk about being a peacemaker and versus being a peacekeeper. And they say, Well, I'm just keeping the you know, keeping the peace or making the peace. And it's like, if you're just keeping everybody quiet at a family get together and keeping the parties apart that don't get along, that's just keeping the peace. Sometimes you actually have to go in, dive in and deal with the issue and get the parties together and make them talk so that you can make peace. You can be a peacemaker. And sometimes people leave and that's okay. That is making peace. That's not keeping the peace. Because when you keep the peace, people are still feeling awkward, still people are still um avoiding topics that need to be talked about. People are avoiding people that they really need to deal with. And so there's a difference between peacekeeping and peacemaking. And um, sometimes it's just out of guilt. We just feel weird and it just feels awkward when we feel like the bad guy when really we are protecting we are setting boundaries that protect us and our families. And if people don't like it, that's their problem. And it's just hard to it's hard to accept that and not feel guilty about that sometimes. But there, you know, people get triggered, and that's their problem. That's not mine. And that's something that I've had to learn is that there's something it's within them. I'm mirroring something with them, and it's just either something that they lack or something that they wish they could do, and it's pissing them off, and they're reacting. And so I used to take it personally. Now I now I'm realizing that it's their problem, not mine.

SPEAKER_00 28:18

I like that. And I think that the clear differentiation of what is mine and what is not is a powerful thing. You know, you have to sit there and create that separation. The create that differentiation between yours and someone else's, because you can never fix someone else's problem. You might be able to show them away, you might be able to pick it up and carry it for a time. But if it ain't yours, you know, there's not much you can do. And I want to ask you this too, because if someone right now is listening and they're feeling lost, burnt out, stuck in old patterns, or afraid of what's next, what's the first step toward rebuilding themselves that they can take today?

SPEAKER_01 29:00

Well, first, take it, just take a deep breath and breathe. A lot of times we're just holding on to everything and we're anxious, and sometimes just taking a deep breath, letting it, just exhaling sometimes because we feel like sometimes in those situations, it's like we've been holding our breath for so long that it's finally okay to exhale. And when we exhale, it's just like we can release some things. And then just real giving yourself some grace and don't put a lot of pressure on yourself, and then start looking at what are some beliefs that are keeping you in those patterns or keeping you stuck or keeping you from taking the step forward. Is it fear, whatever? It's usually related to some type of fear. What are other other people gonna think? You know, what are they gonna say? Am I doing the right thing? All those things, and just start looking at where what those what the what that voice is telling you, and then figuring out where it came from, and sometimes just doing it anyway, and realizing that you didn't die is is enough to get you to the next step. And just realizing that everything has been, is now, and will always be fine. And even though something horrible could be happening right now, ultimately things work out for our good. And just knowing that what if there is no wrong decision? What if what if I do something and it doesn't turn out like I want it? Okay, so what? I'll make a different decision. We can always make a different decision, and I think that that's something that we don't always realize. I know I was I was brought up that you made your bed, you gotta lie in it, and it's like, but do I do I really? It's just like with the painting of the room. You painted the room, part of it, but you didn't really like it. You you don't have to stay stuck with that paint color. You can paint over it. Or you can sell the house. You know, we can take some drastic measures here. But it's just as simple as, you know, why I just need to go buy some more paint and put in a little bit more time than I originally planned. And that's okay. And not beating yourself up over it, not judging, and just being okay. It's it's okay.

SPEAKER_00 31:19

And I think that's one of the things that I try to remember is that it is okay. It is okay to not know. It is okay to be uncertain, it is okay to figure it out and to be patient with yourself as you do that, as you go through the process of taking it one day at a time and figuring it out. And to not judge the process, to not judge where you're at, to not judge all these steps. And I think that's something that I'm trying to remember is that I've got we all juggle a lot. We all carry a lot, and I don't care who you are, I promise that you're probably carrying more than people around you know. And, you know, and I think one of the things that I try to remind myself is to be more caring and forgiving of myself, to care more for myself, and to not make up excuses for myself, but to understand that at the end of the day, we're all doing the best we can. And to try to like figure that out and to chart your course. And you know, I I really have to every day come back to what are the things I can control and what are the things that I can't, and that wisdom of knowing which is which.

SPEAKER_01 32:38

Yeah, for sure. It's like just draw a circle around your feet, and that's really all you can control unless you have small children.

SPEAKER_00 32:48

Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 32:49

And even then.

SPEAKER_00 32:50

Right, even then, man. Uh so I I've been, um, we've been on, I don't have one in front of me, but uh my daughter just went on summer vacation and I was so tired of yelling, I Lottie, where are you? That I bought walkie-talkies. It has allowed me to extend that circle a tad more than before. And it's been awesome. But I want to ask you, where can people go to find out more about you and what you do?

SPEAKER_01 33:20

I'm on LinkedIn under Drenda Thomas Richards. I'm also on Instagram, Trenda Thomas Richards, there as well. So in a website, trendathomas Richards.com.